02 Apr

A Future Where All Robots Have Penises – Onion Talks – Ep. 5


In this week’s Talks Lucas Oberlin examines the incoming improvements to society thanks to advancement of socially integrated technology.  We do not need to fear technology and there is very simple ways for people to be more accustomed to it.  And this begins with some very basic and innate human programming.  Not only will these advancements assist is in the workplace or on the road, but also in our kitchens and garages.

Link to Talk:

Total Length: 2 minutes, 40 seconds

Speaker: Lucas Oberlin

And so I’m stuck with a bunch of questions that I’d like to see if I can answer.

5 Things about A Future Where All Robots Have Penises that you didn’t know

1. What the hell did I just watch???

What the fuck?  What the hell talk was this?  Of all the satire videos from the Onion based on the TED Talks, I ended up watching the one video where there’s a metal pyramid with a hot dog wanger sticking out of it?  And it goes around on a killing rampage at the end?!  People may doubt that it was programmed to kill but it seemed to me that ‘penis fail’ immediately started it’s secondary programming of ‘Kill everyone in the room’.  This is programmed into more things than you might realize.

Hmm.. This might also explain some of history’s greatest villains.  (Wow, this is already more enlightening than I thought it would be.)

2) If you give a Robot a Penis, Don’t do the following:

Don’t ask it to show it, all it’ll do is wave it around like it’s conducting an orchestra.  It’s pointless.

Don’t touch it with a pen.  It is quite obvious from the video that interacting with the robot’s penis causes the robot to deflate (also known as ‘lose its confidence) and thus leading to it’s self destruction.  (And then go bat shit insane and murder people.)

Name your robot Wesley.  Actually, a robot named Wesley is probably fine.

3. Oberlin might actually be right.

Let’s face it, technology is embraced by many industries but the one that leads the charge is a certain “entertainment industry” that makes it stick.  Movies and movie theaters only became big after the invention of grainy black and white peepshows.  The VHS versus Beta battle?  VHS had a lot more XXX titles to its name.  The same goes for DVDs, pay channels, top shelf magazines.  When I heard about the invention of the internet, I was skeptical that it would surpass the obviously superior FTP site technologies at the time.  Shortly after I had heard that ‘the internet was for porn’ and everyone knew right away that this technology would be embraced by millions.

Oberlin is simply thinking ahead, and when he says that people will accept robots into the home, it might just be because of the vibrate function.

4. The Satire of the Onion Talks is really next level.

Seriously speaking, it is remarkable that the TED Talks are so popular that it becomes an object of satire.  That’s one of those milestones that happens in the media industry these days.  You know you’ve made it as a star the moment you get ‘Punk’d’ or ‘Hidden Camera’d’.

5. This will start a Cold War of Robots with Penises

How do you “better” a robot with a penis?  The answer is simple, you build a bigger robot with a bigger penis.  The only way to stop a bad guy with a robot that has a penis, is a good guy with a robot that has a penis.  Soon, you will have hundreds of thousands of giant robots with giant penises all pointing at targets across the globe.  And there’s a war with NO wiener.


5. Happy April Fools Day (belated by now)

Don’t share this one, it’s.. ridiculous.


Leave a comment

Posted by on April 2, 2013 in In General..


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: